Creative Thoughts

Archive for November, 2009

One of my favorite poses in our Bantayan Island Getaway. It was a forced getaway and something we did not regret. I’ve been telling the hubby that I want us to go there but he’s a cheapskate and doesn’t want to spend money too much just for leisure. But, we really needed it for our relationship. The hubby kept laughing at me because we do have lots of bags. He said, I should buy a Titan luggage next time because its very durable and easy to carry.

It turned out that he really liked it and I don’t have to force him anymore next time. There are eye openers in life. Events which are unexpected which could turn everything around. You would wake up one day that your dreams before are no longer as important as they used to be.

I am happy though with the knowledge that God uses even our greatest hurts and deepest pains to mold us into becoming more Christlike and to mold us to become stronger and better persons. I thank God for allowing problems and trials into my life, all the way. He has been faithful in his promise always……..that He will never give me something I couldn’t handle. I want thank Him cause I know this is for my own good. I am no longer afraid of any trial cause I know, it’s always for a purpose. By the way FYI, Bantayan is far from cebu city. The bus ride takes 3 hours and the ferry boat ride is one hour. So, that would be a total of 4 hours going there. It could honestly be tiring but really really fun and unforgettable.

I NEED SOMEONE TO HOLD MY HAND IN MY LIFE JOURNEY, AND I’M HOPING YOU WON’T BREAK LOOSE

I had some form of hatred to men who cheats with their partners. This has been brought about by my father’s own betrayal to my mom. I did not try to understand why he did it. I took my mother’s side and hated my father with all my heart. Since then, I had a phobia to being hurt due to men’s betrayal. This often presented itself to through jealousy. Yes,  I am a jealous woman. My husband has been very careful in dealing with other women. Never in our 3 years of being together did he have any other woman close to him both physically and emotionally. I was the only one. He never cheated on me even during the hardest times of our life when a guy wouldn’t want to stick with a family because all he ever has are problems and responsibilities. Now, we’re much better off compared to how we were 3 years ago when we started. But, believe me or not, this is the time he betrayed me. Yes…….The guy I trusted so much and whom I thought will not break my trust. I thought we had the perfect relationship. When I found out about it, I never ever thought in my whole life, how and why he would dare to do it. Mind you! He’s not really used to it. Only in a matter of more than a week, I already found out about it. I have strong instincts and this time, it became my ally. There was this girl new to their worrkplace who are full of men. My husband works as an electrician in a hotel being build. So, it’s sort of a construction area. The girl was new to that place, and for some reason, the two of them met and got to know each other. My husband felt that the girl liked him and he himself was attracted to the girl, as he later on admitted to me with full of difficulty. My husband courted her. Yes, he did. I still feel a little sting right now when I relate this. When the girl was about to say yes to her, he admitted he already has a family, a wife and a child. He said he felt guilty and all that. The girl was mad but yet thankful he admitted. But then, here’s the hard part. My husband still tried to be close to her. She became his bestfriend. All this happened in more than a week WITHOUT my knowledge. I on the other hand, was still so in love with my husband, was always waiting for his home coming every night, and was so busy working and making plans for our family. Most of all, I was being 10000 percent loyal to my husband. I never had any hint as to what was going on in his workplace. He was still the same husband whenever he comes home.

Then, one night, he mistakenly sent a text message to me which was intended for the other girl. He said, “friend, I’m home already. bout you? When I received it, I was like, WHAT????? i started to feel nervous and a little uneasy though I kept telling myself, No, this can’t be. This friend of his is a guy. I repeated that over and over. And when he came to me that night, I told him immediately, “You sent a wrong text message to me. who’s that friend”. I was scared to hear it but then he said it was his friend who was a girl. It was only a short question but I wondered why his answer was very lengthy, very defensive. He said, the girl was a Christian as well and he is trying to encourage her. He said, she knows about me, about our family. He said, there is nothing to worry. I believed in what he said. 30 minutes after our conversation, we saw a very big fire breaking up in our neighborhood. Five houses away and it was like hell. It was the worst fire I have ever seen in my entire life. The problem? Our house was situated in a remote place with all other houses blocking the way. There was only one way out which was very narrow. If fire will reach there, we have no way out. We will be trapped and burned together with the other houses. I couldn’t remember what I said when I saw the fire, but I was like, trying to grab things, not sure of which one to salvage first. Of course, we had to secure our baby first. She was safe with my mom. And I was trying to call the fireman with my shaking hands. I was shaking all over. I kept praying silently, thought I’m not sure if God understood my words which were difficult to understand cause I felt like I couldn’t think clearly anymore. I grabbed my bag with the money and all my ATM cards, plus the laptop and few clothes and we secured ourselves by climbing in the small hill at the back of the houses. We were praying that the fire will not reach our place and God was faithful enough. He saved the house that we were renting. Nothing was touched. It was only 2 houses away and it was ours already. We were ready to leave all our belongings behind for our safety. When the fire broke and the scorching fire could be seen high above in the sky, electricity turned off and people panicked and began to run everywhere. I kept calling out family member’s name. People carried their belongings outside their homes. People were crying and were very very scared. I saw fear even in the most tough men in our neighborhood. My husband kept checking on me to make sure I wasn’t scared. But, would you believe if I tell you in the middle of all this he was texting all the way??? And you know who he was texting? That girl….I glimpsed on his cellphone once and the message was for his so called FRIEND. he was asking for prayers. or I was thinking, he might be trying to measure how she would care about whats happening on him? he wanted comfort from HER? After 2 hours, we were able to go back home. It was very difficult to sleep. Atfer the fire, I still felt too scared. But you know what? it wasn’t about the fire. I was scared for the two of us. I was scared that my instinct was right. I was scared to know there is another woman in his life whom he felt closer to than me. I was scared to death to know…..I slept with an uneasy heart, and he was thinking it was all about the fire. The whole day after, I was still uneasy. I was very uneasy and I would find myself thinkinng in the middle of doing something. Then the next day, early morning, I suddenly felt an urge to read his messages on his cellphone, which I don’t normally do. I was shaking when I opened his cellphone. Scared to death that my doubts would be confirmed. I checked the inbox, there was nothing there. I checked the outbox, and it was there. I cried on the spot and I felt so weak that I couldn’t lift the cellphone anymore. I felt like being drenched by cold water. Like, my whole world stopped and everything was just on hold. I read his message, where he was calling her best friend. And, he told her that I caught him and I know about them already. Hearing the word, “caught” was the part that hurt the most. Learning she was his best friend already was like a sword in my heart. It would be more hurtful stated in tagalog. He used tagalog on that text, and there was a part she ws offering a mask to give to her also. He was being sweet and concerned to that woman. And I was really badly hurt. I was super hurt at this point but I still didn’t know that they really had a short affair of some sort. This, later on I would discover which was double the pain that I wanted to die on the spot. I left without kissing him and I ignored him. He noticed my coldness. The whole day at work, I was miserable. It was the longest day of my life. I wanted to come home and I wanted the day to turn to night so he will be home and I can talk to him.

My husband knows that when I am mad and hurt, anything can come out of my mouth. I am unstoppable. When I reached home, I immediately texted him. I told him I couldn’t believe that he can do this to me. I trusted him. I told him how hurt I was and how mad I was at him. I told him I couldn’t forgive him for the rest of my life. I thought, he would reply with an explanation that its not true and all that. I was expecting him to appease me and get me to calm down. But, his reply was full of guilt. It was a confirmation that everything that I have been fearing and thinking was true. I wanted us to separate right then and there. In my mind, I couldn’t forgive him anymore and I don’t know how to treat him anymore. I sent him I think around 30 hurtful messages. I wanted him to feel sorry and guilty for what he did. And he only replied a couple of times. Then, the girl texted me to say sorry. She too confirmed that he really courted. I did not reply anymore when I learned about it. I was too hurt.  The girl told me to forgive my husband cause he was already asking for her help.

Now, why was I really hurt? First, I have been totally honest to my husband. I already made it a decision that he will be the only man in my life. I don’t look at men with any other thought anymore, and I know in myself that if anyone will court me, I won’t be daring to do anything with that person. I tried to be in distant with men. All my close associates are women. I am not putting myself in any situation where I will be possibly tempted. Another reason? I so love my husband and I couldn’t bear the thought that he would have another woman close to him. We are very close. I know everything about him, we share everything. I just really couldn’t bear the fact that there will be another special woman in his life. I felt like, I gave everything to him already. I am in constant search for ways to better our relationship. I am in constant search for ways to improve myself.

I was determined to break up with him or make it so hard for him to come back to my life right after I learned about it. I promised myself that I would make him pay and I would make him feel the pain. I told myself, I didn’t know that I didn’t know him anymore. I even told my husband about this. I told him, I thought I still knew him, but I was wrong. Everything was a lie.

I waited for his home coming. I thought he wouldn’t come home but he did. I felt the slow and heavy steps. And I immediately went to him. I wanted things to be over. I wanted confirmation so I can decide. He was so weak, like he doesn’t have energy anymore. He couldn’t look at home. I interogated him right away, I was very furious and full of hatred at him that time. I told him, what happened to him. I asked him what I did or what was lacking to me or to our family? I asked him why he was able to do all of these? I kept asking him, but there was no answer from him. He couldn’t talk, he couldn’t defend himself, because he knew he was wrong.

When I got tired, I stayed silent too, just staying at nowhere while his head was still bowed down and it was obvious from his eyes that he cried before coming home. I made him feel in my text messages that there was no way for him to get back to us anymore, that I wouldn’t be able to accept him anymore. I made him feel that I hated him so much. Then, he started to talk. He admitted his mistake. He told me, he couldn’t find any reason why he would be doing it when I was being a good wife to him. He said, it wasn’t me which was the problem. He told me he felt how much I cared for him and how much I love him. He said, he was crazy for doing it and that he also couldn’t understand himself.  When he related to me how they got to know each other, how they started to text each other and see each other at work, how he courted her…….. every sentence he would say would make me broken into tears. I couldn’t bear the pain. It was more painful than my experience of giving birth. I had diffulty breathing, as I have some problems with my heart as well. He hugged me while telling me about everything, the things he did not tell me at first. I would sob and pressed his back whenever I couldn’t bear the pain anymore. At that moment, even if he was the person I hated, I felt like he was the person who also comforted me. I felt his sincerity, I felt how sorry he really was for hurting me. I know how much he loves me. When I asked him, if he loves the other woman, he answered right away,with all sincerity, without hesitation, that he never can love the woman. It was only physical attraction and he was just looking for excitement, fun as a spice to his boring work.  I told him If I have known this, perhaps I could have bought him a Wii to preoccupy his mind. Of course, I was just kidding then or I was being sarcastic. He could never love any other woman because I’m here, and I would be the only woman in his heart. I’ve always known him and with this answer I felt satisfied. I was relieved that there was no love involve. But it still did not lessen the pain away. I felt how scared he was to lose me and my baby. I felt how scared he was to end up with someone else which is no good compared to me. Because he knows how he is being taken cared of here in our home.

I felt stupid and mad at myself because no matter how mad I am to him, I felt like I could forgive and love him no matter what he does. He just apologized, and I saw him cry and all that…..though, I honestly felt the sincerity and regret… and I was immediately softened again. I told him, that I’m not really scared to lose him because I could not live without him. It’s not like that. I’m scared to lose him because I’m afraid he won’t be taken cared of anymore. I’m afraid he would have a miserable life without me. I’m afraid he wouldn’t have any direction and drive anymore without me. I’m afraid he wouldn’t be loved the way I love him. I am full of fear for the kind of life he would have without me. Maybe, a sad life. You might find it confusing, but he has always been a laid back person. Just waiting for life to happen. He is not like me. He is not a destiny maker. He is not an action packed person. He is passive. One of reasons why he was a very good candidate for a devil’s victim.

Yes ! Even if he betrayed me, all that I am thinking is still about him. I don’t know how to live my life anymore without caring for his person. I cared about him a lot. I care about him so much. Some of the things he realized because of what happened? He realized how hurt I could be…when it comes to betrayal. Second, he realized I could leave him anytime if I want to…..that I am not scared to live my life all by myself, without him. Third, he realized how scared he could be to lose me and the life he was used to have……Fourth, he realized how much I love him and how anybody cannot surpass that kind of love. I honestly would say, nobody can ever love him as much as I do………..because my love for him is already as strong as the strongest power here on earth. There were other realizations that came along…….

I think I am too tired for now to finish this up. Please watch out to learn what happened after and to learn how we forgave each other. How we made up, how we patched things up and how we learned to start all over again. All anew……IN JUST A MATTER OF 2 DAYS or SO..I will tell you further how our lacked of spirituality and personal relationship with God due to our busy schedules, contributed to all of these problems. I will tell you what you can do in your own marriage to protect it and to make sure the devil won’t have an opportunity to destroy it.

After the storm, we are enjoying a happier partnership. I can feel his honest and sincere love. He is a different man than before this happened in the way he relates to me. He looks at me with so much respect and love and care. He is now the kind of man I have always secretly wished he could be……

Thanks to the girl! Thanks to the devil! Thanks to the temptation…………A blessing in disguise indeed. You just made us stronger……..And I have an assurance now that we will be together for the rest of our lives. All because of God…………..

No matter how difficult your marriage situations are, believe me….. God can still fix it. But, you have to ask for it. God will do great things for you. Things you never imagined he would do for you. Only in God, can we have assurance in this ever scary world. The Lord restored our relationship and He can also do so in your own relationship.

Good morning guys! How are you doing today? I hope you are doing great. Yesterday, I was successful in my goal of making that day a special day. A day that I will cherish and a day that I can say that I really enjoyed and lived to the fullest. I slept very late. After work, I just rested for a while, then, I went to Colon (its like market market or Divisoria) to do my shopping for our store. Before I went into the grocery store, I searched for a bag. And I found a very good one. It’s an imitation of a Louis Vuitton bag. It was supposed to be 980 pesos but I bargained and asked to pay for it for only 550. It was really a good deal. I spent few minutes browsing through the bags and this is what I really liked. I’ll take a photo of it perhaps later or some other time. Okay? No one can tell that its not really original. Perhaps only those who are bag brand experts or something. After I bought the bag, I shop for groceries. I had difficulty carrying the groceries as usual. Then, we arranged it in our small store when I came home. Then, I checked my laptop to see the progress of the cd burning I was doing. I was transferring Aliens In The Attick to a CD. I was also downloading 3 movies I guess. Then, I watched my favorite movie when I was young, Twister. This was shown in year 1996 but they made new copies of it that’s why its still sort of a hit until now. It’s really one of my favorites. It’s been many many years since I last saw it and it still never failed to thrill me when I watched it last night. I slept quiet late than normal because of the movie. I felt satisfied at the end of the day cause I spent my day according to how I wanted to spent it at that specific day.

Today, its a good thing that through one of my favorite blogs, I had an idea of making a table for my goals, plans, dreams etc. This would be a good way to track my progress, and to see where I am and where I want to go. This is a list of the things I want and plan to do. This is a list of the actions I plan to take in achieving my  goals. In the things I wanted to buy a fat burner is not on my list because I really don’t need that for now. Who knows I might consider it in the future if ever I get fat. Its’ easier to make it this way. It’s simple and I can see everything in one place. This is realy cool. I like it so much. Why, don’t you make your own life goals table? It’s easy. Just use Microsoft Word.

Today, I plan to go to the supermarket to buy groceries for our store. I was about to close our store but it’s been really hard to totally close it. There are still people buying even if we only have few items left. The location is really good and people are really starting to patronize. Even if we have very very few items left, we could still earn more than 200 pesos a day. So, today, I will be supplying the items for the store. I won’t buy a lot, but I will be buying enough to fill it up. I wanted to get 20 pesos a day from the store and place it in a small piggy bank. I already took 20 pesos yesterday and I plan to make it daily from now.  I’ll be buying enough to fill it up.

I also need to buy a new bag because my current bag is quiet small for my things and actually this bag is only 60 pesos. So, I wanted to get a shoulder bag which is nice and has enough space. So there, I will be out after work to the grocery plus I will also be buying the bag. Oh, I will buy the bag first and then, proceed to the grocery. So, today, after work,  I will be heading to buy grocery. I will also be arranging the store because its very messy. I want to make it neat and clean and nice to look at. I hope, I can show you the after pictures. I will try. Then, I’d like to watch Race To Witch Mountain and do some blogging if I still can. I’m done downloading Race To Witch Mountain and I am so excited to watch it. I am also going to burn one more movie to one of my available CD’s.

I would like to make this a great day and I will really enjoy it to the fullest. I am thinking that this is my last day so I will really get to enjoy it and do stuff I want to do. Of course I still want to have many many days and years in my life, but this is my way for me to really make the most out of everyday. I will start today. Cause I don’t want to waste my life and I’d like to treat it as a very valuable Contemporary Jewelry or more than that.

Hi guys! I’m back after the  weekends. I love this work because my day off would be consistently Saturday and Sunday. No excuse for me not to go to church. Plus, I’m really like an office person because I have my day off on weekends. I’m ready for another week of work after resting on my 2 days of off. What kept me busy? Well, I was busy downloading movies and  taking care of my baby. Last Saturday I spent the first part of the day at the mall. I took care of some things. I processed the document I’m requesting from E Census. Then, I bought some blank CD’s so I could save some movies from my laptop downloads. I want to free some space in my laptop and I want to have a collection of those CD’s so I opted to burn them. I also bought a semi gown for a very special occasion. That’s for our civil wedding. Yes, we’re going to have one, finally. We initially decided to go for a church wedding but we changed decision because a church wedding is really costly and we don’t want to spend all our savings for it. We want to go for a low profile wedding, something very simple. As long as we will finally be called husband and wife.  Maybe in the near future, we can have a church wedding too. I opted for a long gown, a black and white one. It was really nice and I like the way it fits me. One of these days, I’m going to show you my beautiful gown. What else did I do in the mall? hmmm, let me think. Oh, I bought some cloth because I want to have a dress handmade or something.I think, that was it.  Then, on Sunday, we spent half of the day at church. We brought along baby bless too. She walked around and played around even if she was the only little child around. Then, in the afternoon, we watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith, then I had a nap which was supposed to last for an hour or so but i woke up in the evening already, when it was dark. Then, we spent the evening listening to music and talking in our bedroom. That was how my weekend went. How about you? Did you had fun too on your weekend?

Photo taken in my webcam through Daily Photo of Plurk.com

Since yesterday my mom has not been in the house. She left yesterday afternoon to visit Bohol. She’s also going to be looking for a new househelp who will take care of baby bless. She left baby bless at home. They are the closest and I would even say that my baby is closest to her than to me. She’s the one taking care of baby bless but of course I also have a nanny for baby. Her present nanny is young and we can’t trust her so much with the baby. So, I have been distracting baby bless so she won’t think about my mom. Yesterday, I accidentally opened a video where she saw my mom and she cried for an hour or so. She wanted to see my mom but I don’t know what to tell her. I tried to explain it to her, but  she would just cry and cry. I had her watch Aliens In The Attick while lying in bed and fortunately she fell asleep with that. Early morning, she woke up crying looking for my mom again. She was a bit sad today even if I kept her busy all the time. She is experiencing separation anxiety but of course its not all the time that my mom will be there for her and for us. We have to learn to be without her at times too. These are the times that I wish I am a full time mom, instead of working away from home.
She liked it a lot when I took our pictures via plurk in my webcam. Good thing my laptop has a webcam which is clear and takes great shots unlike those netbooks type of gadget that doesn’t have webcam feature.

I would like to congratulate myself for today because i did well at work. I was very hardworking today that I almost never had breaks at work because I wanted to finish the things I have to do. My co QA gave me some pending task that we have to finish. I wasn’t able to finish everything  because of time constraints but still I would say I did a really good job. I was so focused on my work and I can now assess faster than when I started out.  This is my first week doing assessments and so far I am doing really good. It’s time for a celebration. Relax galore cause today and the next 2 days will be my day off.

My favorite song right now With All I Am, sung and popularized by Hillsong.  I love this song and I listen to this every morning at work. The music is quiet sad and it will help you connect with the higher being. It will make you think about life, and on the important things. It makes you think of your past and of the people who came and went out of your life. It is quiet sad but I love to listen to it all the time. This is the song playing on my mind right now.

into your hand
i commit again
with all I am
for you Lord

you hold my world
in the palm of your hand
and I’m yours forever

CHORUS
Jesus I believe in you
Jesus I belong to you
you’re the reason that I live
the reason that I sing
with all I am

I’ll walk with you
wherever you go
through tears and joy
I’ll trust in you

and I will live
in all of your ways and
your promises forever

CHORUS

I will worship I will worship you forever

CHORUS

We are blessed today to be able to drink pure, clean, mineral water. Before, most people would just drink in faucets at home. No one ever think its not really that safe. Even up to now, people in the provinces are still drinking in their faucets. For babies or kids they would just heat it up to boiling until it becomes safe to drink. Here in the city that is a no no. We know how dirty and unsafe the water here are. If you don’t take precautions and just drink in faucets you are most likely gonna get sick with illnesses such as typhoid fever or any other diseases you can take by drinking contaminated water.We might not have heard of it but there is such a thing like a water softener that drinking water suppliers are using just to ensure we are drinking very clean and purified. On our part, it might be a little costly. We consume around 600 pesos of mineral water in our household, and I think that it is all worth it just to keep my family safe.

I watched Salamat Doc last Sunday since I couldn’t go to church. What I liked most was their feature on Dyan Castillejo’s dietary intake everyday. I was really amazed and I couldn’t help but admire her with the way she handles herself and the way she eats. She eats a lot of fruits and vegetables. She usually brings 2 food packs in the office. She eats in the car cause she drives all the way to work. She brings a lot of water going to work cause according to her she really drinks lots and lots of water. Plus, her viand are also very healthy and full of vegetables. Plus she drinks wheatgrass. I saw this wheatgrass in the mall, and I was really inclined to buy however it is quiet expensive. Each drink is about 50 pesos I guess. One box is 900 plus and it has 30 sachets. It is full of vitamins, minerals and electrolytes that can really strengthen and nourish the body. This is my goal for now after being sick, to learn how to eat healthy.